So, here I am! Back in a pretty rough place, which in turn has bought me back to writing here for you!
This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you’re reading this and it helps you.. or a loved one then I’ll be hugely satisfied. I’m not here for the views, or the comments. I’m here to hopefully help someone, or help you.
SO. Where to begin hey.
I could bore you all day with my entire life story (I have a tendency to ramble when I’m passionate about something!) but I won’t so don’t worry, you can keep reading!
I’ll start with why I felt the need to write this. Recently, I’ve been in a pretty rubbish place to put it lightly. I’ve felt hopeless, stuck, unworthy, and just damn right depressed. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, as some of you here may know already! Yes, I thought hallelujah I’ve overcome it. It was never in my head that I’d have to deal with yet another episode of it. However, let me tell you something! I’m GRATEFUL that I’ve fallen apart recently, it has made me extremely self aware, and shown that instead of truly whole heartedly dealing with my issues, I just masked it!
Now, if you’re reading this gand you like myself suffer from any form of mental illness, you may find something that supresses or takes the pain away for a while, whether that be drinking, drugs, or just simply overeating junk food that you know isn’t good for you! What was my bad habit? Relationships. Men. They were my go to. I would time and time again get involved with men that I knew were no good for me, I’d stay in toxic relationships, I’d settle for being disrespected and lied to. But hey, none of that mattered as long as I still had something to distract myself from what was really going on with me right?
Very, VERY wrong.
The sad truth is, people the majority of the time are temporary. These people do leave. So, relying on a man and a relationship to feel worthy.. when they eventually do leave BOY let me tell you I go into a very dark place. Why? Because I no longer have my distraction. (I’m not saying that every relationship I’ve been in has just been a distraction, of course not. However, I didn’t deal with me as the outright priority.) An alcoholic for example, take away their booze... they’re left without their comfort blanket. They have to DEAL with what’s going on inside. They’ll do anything to get that fix, to get that bottle of wine back. EXACTLY what I did with men. They could be terrible to me, yet I’d still do anything to get my own personal fix back so I didn’t have to deal with what I’m truly feeling. The reality is though, all these things we may use to hide what we really feel..we KNOW it’s no good for us, and we KNOW it’s only temporary. It’s taken me years to understand why I did the things I did when it comes to relationships, and I could make the same mistake now, finding someone to take it all away. But, like an alcoholic going sober, working on their real issues. I’m staying free, to work on my issues. No, I won’t stay single forever... what I mean by that is, I’ll no longer go into something when I’m not ready, or knowing it’s wrong, and definitely not settling for not being respected or treated right. Which will take hard work and time, but my god It’s a huge step that I’ve even acknowledged it.
I promise you, if you keep finding what hides your pain or your issues, you will never be able to FULLY deal with them, or focus on making yourself a better version of you. Looking back, I hate how my bad habit of jumping into relationship after relationship made me become and act. Just like a drug user, they take the drug, and most likely become someone they’re really not. Someone they surely don’t want to be.
I’ll tell you now, if you’re on this same road right now, whether that be anxiety, depression, self worth, self confidence and you’ve made the decision to take control.. from someone going through it right this second, it is NOT going to be easy. You’ll feel like giving up sometimes, you’ll get angry and fustrated, you may cry and loose hope again. All of that, it’s just leading you to reach your full potential. It’ll make you strong and corragious. Why? Because you are DEALING with it. You’re not hiding it, you’re not tucking it away for it to pop back up and crush you again. You are FULLY doing it. And that right there, is bloody amazing.
I’m going to cut this post here, because like I said I could ramble for an entire month if I wanted to! I will be posting on here pretty regularly now. I’m in for a pretty big journey ahead of me, not an easy one I’ll add. So to share it with anyone it may inspire, would fill me with so much happiness. No one deserves to feel the way we do sometimes, but it’s about acknowledging it, transferring into something amazing and learning to heal and grow. Learn to love who you are, find what you enjoy, focus on bettering yourself, but most importantly never ever give up trying.
“ Every single second is an oppurtintuy to change your life. “
Because in any moment, you can change how you feel.
SO. Where to begin hey.
I could bore you all day with my entire life story (I have a tendency to ramble when I’m passionate about something!) but I won’t so don’t worry, you can keep reading!
I’ll start with why I felt the need to write this. Recently, I’ve been in a pretty rubbish place to put it lightly. I’ve felt hopeless, stuck, unworthy, and just damn right depressed. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, as some of you here may know already! Yes, I thought hallelujah I’ve overcome it. It was never in my head that I’d have to deal with yet another episode of it. However, let me tell you something! I’m GRATEFUL that I’ve fallen apart recently, it has made me extremely self aware, and shown that instead of truly whole heartedly dealing with my issues, I just masked it!
Now, if you’re reading this and you like myself suffer from any form of mental illness, you may find something that supresses or takes the pain away for a while, whether that be drinking, drugs, or just simply overeating junk food that you know isn’t good for you! What was my bad habit? Relationships. Men. They were my go to. I would time and time again get involved with men that I knew were no good for me, I’d stay in toxic relationships, I’d settle for being disrespected and lied to. But hey, none of that mattered as long as I still had something to distract myself from what was really going on with me right?
Very, VERY wrong.
The sad truth is, people the majority of the time are temporary. These people do leave. So, relying on a man and a relationship to feel worthy.. when they eventually do leave BOY let me tell you I go into a very dark place. Why? Because I no longer have my distraction. (I’m not saying that every relationship I’ve been in has just been a distraction, of course not. However, I didn’t deal with me as the outright priority.) An alcoholic for example, take away their booze... they’re left without their comfort blanket. They have to DEAL with what’s going on inside. They’ll do anything to get that fix, to get that bottle of wine back. EXACTLY what I did with men. They could be terrible to me, yet I’d still do anything to get my own personal fix back so I didn’t have to deal with what I’m truly feeling. The reality is though, all these things we may use to hide what we really feel..we KNOW it’s no good for us, and we KNOW it’s only temporary. It’s taken me years to understand why I did the things I did when it comes to relationships, and I could make the same mistake now, finding someone to take it all away. But, like an alcoholic going sober, working on their real issues. I’m staying free, to work on my issues. No, I won’t stay single forever... what I mean by that is, I’ll no longer go into something when I’m not ready, or knowing it’s wrong, and definitely not settling for not being respected or treated right. Which will take hard work and time, but my god It’s a huge step that I’ve even acknowledged it.
I promise you, if you keep finding what hides your pain or your issues, you will never be able to FULLY deal with them, or focus on making yourself a better version of you. Looking back, I hate how my bad habit of jumping into relationship after relationship made me become and act. Just like a drug user, they take the drug, and most likely become someone they’re really not. Someone they surely don’t want to be.
I’ll tell you now, if you’re on this same road right now, whether that be anxiety, depression, self worth, self confidence and you’ve made the decision to take control.. from someone going through it right this second, it is NOT going to be easy. You’ll feel like giving up sometimes, you’ll get angry and fustrated, you may cry and loose hope again. All of that, it’s just leading you to reach your full potential. It’ll make you strong and corragious. Why? Because you are DEALING with it. You’re not hiding it, you’re not tucking it away for it to pop back up and crush you again. You are FULLY doing it. And that right there, is bloody amazing.
I’m going to cut this post here, because like I said I could ramble for an entire month if I wanted to! I will be posting on here pretty regularly now. I’m in for a pretty big journey ahead of me, not an easy one I’ll add. So to share it with anyone it may inspire, would fill me with so much happiness. No one deserves to feel the way we do sometimes, but it’s about acknowledging it, transferring into something amazing and learning to heal and grow. Learn to love who you are, find what you enjoy, focus on bettering yourself, but most importantly never ever give up trying.
“ Every single second is an oppurtunity to change your life. “
Because in any moment, you can change how you feel.
Tabs, that’s real, raw and brave. Keep writing, I’ll keep reading 🐈🐈🐈😘
ReplyDeleteThat’s so kind. Thankyou so so much !
ReplyDelete